I've made a point of not watching anything with people dying in since January. It just felt too raw to watch an actor portray something I was actually feeling when I was still hurting so deeply. I've been feeling mediocre for a while instead of feeling like I was falling apart so I figured I was probably fine.
We watched a film tonight where a guy was dying, and everyone got the chance to say goodbye. It turns out that shit is just still too raw. He's been gone nearly 7 months and that shit is still just too real. I still wake up and I don't realise he's gone, like I've spent the night in a world where he's still there to hear about my day, or to comment on how beautiful my daughter's red hair is. And then it hits me like a fucking freight train. Every single damn day. Then I hear my kids, and my husband, and the analgesia that is the joy of my life numbs my heartache.
Does it get easier? Will I wake up one day and not ache for him? Not wish his 90 years was longer? Will I ever not wish I had spent more time with him? Will I ever not regret that I didn't listen to my Dad 3 years ago, and spend more time with him?! Will I ever let go?
Does this shit ever stop hurting?
I guess not.
I bet it'll hurt forever and that's ok, because it shows how much I fucking love that man, and how much I miss him every single second of every single day.
I love you big guy, the robin to my batman.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
Drum roll please......
I've had a long period of writer's block and I just haven't wanted to share all the little details of my life with all of you.
I've been planning a comeback post for a while now, to show you what we've been doing recently and I've finally got it together.
August is when all the school kids, and their parents are about. As home educators who like to go to popular places on a Wednesday lunchtime (in term time, this is a super quiet time to go to places like the park!) we aren't fans of the only month of the year where when we do this, we are surrounded by school children and I can't let Ellizabeth run around and try out her toddler skills, in case that 12 year old kid bashes into her and kills her. Gah! Roll on September! That being said, a dear friend pointed out that there are loads of super cool educational things on in August, and we get to use those too.
Charles and I have been jumping in with our home school curriculum. We both wanted to get started during this month, when we hibernate a little, so we are ready for starting in September.
Charles isn't due to start school until September 2016, but he doesn't need formally educating until the term after he terms 5 which is April 2017.
We decided to home educate when he was identified as having a "Higher Learning Potential" which is just a posh way of saying he has a high IQ. None of our local schools have provision for a gifted and talented program until senior school so we've decided to home educated him for primary school, and let him decide what he wants to do for senior school.
A few people have spoken about how this is a bad choice for Charles, they are wrong of course, Charles is writing his own name without help, learning to read, and learning to tell the time. He's 3.5 years old. he's over 18 months ahead in his learning. The schools have all said they don't have anything in place for a child who has the educational needs that Charles does. Ellizabeth is following suit with the same attributes, but learns differently and has different interests so it's all a new learning curve with her! She's interested in learning letters, numbers and colours right now, she loves watching her brother and copying what he says. "A" and "8, 9, 10!" are her favourites :)
The children are socialising 2-3 times a week with children of their own ages, as well as other ages spanning from 0-12 years old. We do various activities, like Forest School, outdoor meet ups and sports. They also socialise daily with adults, which is just as important.
Remember home education opposers that in life you don't spend your time with only people who were born 6 months either side of you. Education for us is about preparing for life, not the next exam.
This is a decision we aren't going to be swayed on, and we appreciate the support we get, those of your who keep your opinions to yourselves and those of you who agree to disagree. I won't tell you lot how to raise your kids, as long as you don't tell me how to raise mine. I'm doing a great job, so there's really no need for negativity. *Puts own trumpet down again..* :D