I'm not talking right now..

I've always had a lot to say. I've always been a communicator, I like to talk. My husband always says that he knows there is something wrong when I'm not talking.

I'm not talking right now. I just can't. I'm not texting you, I'm not messaging you on Facebook, and I am not calling anyone but my Dad.

I just can't.

My heart is broken, it's in millions of little pieces and I'm lying to you when I am saying I am doing ok, that I'm fine. That laughter, those smiles, all lies.

I was blessed by God to have my grandfather in my life. He was an angel, made of pure gold, and I honestly don't know how I will ever get along without him.

I picked up the phone today, and I nearly rang him. I wanted to ask him a question about growing carrots. I completely forgot he was dead.

He's dead. Actually gone from my life. I'll never hear him say I love you again. I'll never hear him chuckle, or say "cheerio" as he leaves, ever again.

It's breaking my heart.


So don't expect me to call, don't expect a text. I won't be emailing you or messaging you on Facebook.

But it doesn't mean I need you any less. I need you to talk to me, I need you to ask me to tell you about him, about our time together. Just because I can't get the words out on my own, doesn't mean you can't coax them out.

I miss my Grandad, but I am grateful he passed on his infinite knowledge to my Dad. He answered the carrot question. If I grow it them in 100% manure, they won't grow as well as in a mix of top soil and manure. Lol. :)

My grandfather, My friend.

 Bryan Leopold Curtis

29th August 1924 - 25th January 2015

Father, Grandfather, Friend.

Dear Grandad,

I know you won't think I am silly where you are, writing you a letter. I know that you know everything I feel and want to say, and even if I could say it to you that I wouldn't need to. You were one of the smartest guys I've ever known, so of course you know.

The last 10 days have been precious. I've got to spend some special time with you, holding your hand, combing your hair and telling you how I feel.

On the first day you were at the end of life unit, we chatted, didn't we? We talked about the children and how Ellizabeth has your mum's red hair. We talked about Charles and how clever he is, how he makes us both laugh. You told me you loved me, and kissed my hand. I managed to swallow the lump in my throat and tell you I loved you too, so so much. I kissed your cheek, and your head and just breathed you in. You've always smelt lovely. Sounds strange, but it's true.

The next day, I spent 6 hours with you. The longest I've ever spent away from Ellizabeth, you knew this and you were worried about me. You know how I hate to be away from my children, you know how I am devoted to them. You told me that I shouldn't spend so much time with you, that I should be with my beautiful babies. You told me you loved them, and you told me you loved me. I had to leave the room I was sobbing so hard. I love you so damn much, and the thought of losing you became too much to bear.

You became sleepier and sleepier and when I saw you yesterday you didn't seem to know I was there. I kissed you goodbye and breathed you in again. I told you to be good, always our little joke. I made a joke to my aunt and uncle, that I knew you were cheeky after a glass of wine, and that you'd flirt with the nurses. You were always a bit cheeky after a glass of red wine. You made me laugh.

It was just too hard to see you in pain yesterday. I had never seen you even look sad before. It broke my heart. You've always been so strong, and to see you suffer and struggle was so heart breaking. I love you, and I have been praying that God would relieve you, call you home because I didn't want you to suffer any more.

I've been thinking lots about our 24 years together. My first memory of you is when I was 2. I got a plastic tool kit for Christmas and I was really happy because I had a saw like you. I knew you used to be a joiner. I was so pleased that I could be a joiner too, that I could be like you. I wanted so much to be like you.

My next clear memory of you was when I was 3. We went on holiday to Cornwall, Dad, Mum, you and me. We walked on the beach, and you held my hand. You swung me round. It was after Nanny left you, I remember making you smile.

I remember you and Josie, your partner, taking me and her grandson Lee to Adventure Wonderland in Hurn when I was about 6. You rode some of the rides with me and pretended they made you feel sick. Did they really make you feel sick? It certainly made me laugh either way. You always did know how to make me smile.

I remember staying with you for the weekend when I was 7. Mum and Dad went to Paris for the weekend and I begged them to let me stay at your house. You bought me loads of colouring books and pencils. I made a door sign that said "keep out" on the bedroom I was sleeping in. I remember telling you it was for monsters, not for you.

I remember playing with your Newton's Cradle. I remember tangling it up one day and being terrified you'd be cross. You weren't. You just untangled it and told me not to be so rough next time.

I remember you always kept colouring pencils and paper in your middle drawer in your display cabinet. I remember going to it without asking you, and you keeping me in line, reminding me to be polite and ask first. You were always kind, never harsh.

I remember you slipping me £2 coins when you thought my Dad wasn't looking. You always told me to spend it on something nice, or keep it for another day. I think I always spent it on sweets at G&T's.

I remember always recognising your handwriting, and you always writing "Lots of love, Grandad (Bry)" and I always teased you, saying how I recognised your handwriting and that I didn't need you to write Bry!

I remember telling you I was pregnant with my son. You were actually really happy. I was worried you'd be cross. You really liked Phillip when you met him, and you were super proud when we got married. You were really chuffed when you found out I was having a boy and you told me you like the name Charles.

I remember you coming round when he was just four days old, because you couldn't wait to have a look at him. Your first great grandchild. You said he was beautiful, and you said I'd done a good job. You were really happy when I told you I was breastfeeding. You said you were proud of me.

I remember you holding him for the first time. You said he was so tiny, you were worried you'd drop him. I took a photo. I wanted to cherish the moment and I do.

When I told you I was expecting again, you were really happy. It was a girl, a daughter. You were over the moon. She has red hair, like your Mum did. You were so happy and so pleased there was another red head in the family. I hope she doesn't go dark, like I did. I hope she stays "Rose Red". You told me how beautiful you thought she was. I agreed, are we both biased? I don't think so. Her smile lights up the world, doesn't it? Maybe she gets it from you, I think you had that effect on the world too. You made it better just by being in it.

You were, you are the most special person ever. You were handsome and funny and so smart. I was proud to call you my grandfather. I love you, and I always will love you. I miss you, and I always will miss you.

See you later Grandad (Bry).

All my love, always and forever,

Emma x

January plans

We aren't planning much for the last week of January.

On Monday, we are heading over to Kingston Lacy to meet with some other home educating families. It will be our first big meet that has lots of older children.

On Tuesday, we are going to build our own calendar to hang on the wall. We've been talking about the weather, and the seasons. Charles enjoys looking out the window each morning and describing the weather to me before we get ready for the day. It helps us choose our clothes for the day.

On Wednesday, Charles may go to preschool. If he doesn't we'll have a chat about winter and maybe do some winter themed crafts. If the weather is nice we will see if my Nanny wants to come to the park with us in the afternoon.

On Thursday, we are planning a family trip to Ikea. Yay! Charles enjoys trying all the sofas and beds and playing with the toys. Mama and Daddy like to dream shop new furniture, fabrics and gadgets. *smile*

On Friday we probably won't do very much. It might be a lazy day, or we might take a trip to the library and read some books that we don't have a home.

Moving on;

Charles has been asking for some time for pocket money. He sees a toy or a magazine that he would like to buy and asks us for money to get it. We nearly always say no, mainly because we can't afford it but also because we both feel really strongly about him earning the money to buy things he wants, even from this early age.

I told him, that if he did 4 jobs for me around the house each day I could pay him. My rate is 4p per day. Today he was very keen to do jobs for me, and was pestering me most of the morning for chores to do. *smile* Let's see how long he keeps it up. Today he swept the floor in the kitchen, checked on the outside animals, picked up dirty laundry and put it in the hamper and tidied up his toys. So he got his 4p. I have left it out for him, so he'll get it in the morning when he comes down. I can't wait to see his face.

He also was pretty cool today when it came to potty training. He was in pants most of the morning and early afternoon and only had one sort of accident. We even went for a walk to the shop (1.5 hrs!). He sat down on the potty when we got back from our walk, and in his haste forgot to pull his pants and trousers down. Bless his heart. *smile*. He did a really good job though! We are going to try him again tomorrow in pants and see how he does. I think we are really heading towards being potty ready now! I am so excited for him!

Ellizabeth is saying a few words now, Mama, Dada, Dars (Charles), Dog, Cat, "What's that", Hiya, Bye Bye, Get, and That. I think there are a few more but I cannot remember them just now.
She's also learnt to high five. It is very sweet.

I saw my Grandad today. It was very hard. He is not really here anymore, and they are raising his morphine to make him sleepier. It is hard to talk about without being very sad and crying. I love him very much, and will miss him terribly when he is gone. I am thanking God for this precious time we've had with him. Time to say goodbye, times to treasure. He has told me he loves me, and my children. He has heard me say that I love him. It warms my heart to have these special memories and to know that my grandfather loves me, and he loves my darling children. Thanks be to God.

I had better sign off now, I've blogged more than I thought I would and it is now very late!

Emma xx

Getting back on track.

Hi all,

Charles (3) and I have been talking recently about getting back on track with our home schooling adventures. We have, of course, been having lots of adventures but none that we really wanted to blog about.

We were all poorly over Christmas and New Year, and then both children had their birthdays and then we've had some family issues. Unfortunately my paternal grandfather is coming to the end of his life after being poorly for a few months. I've been visiting him as much as I can, daily in fact. The children have missed the time with me, which has been hard. Phillip has been stepping up even more (he's already a super hands on Dad) and doing some home schooling with Charles.

We've been keeping Charles off pre-school this week as I have just needed to be with him. He's a really sensitive soul and has been very attentive. We've done lots of things just the two of us to make up for me being cranky and sad.

Our friends over at www.herewearetogether.com have this great Around the World curriculum that we are going to use some bits of. That is the great thing about home education, we can learn about the countries we want to learn about, when we want to learn about them.

We are learning about a country each month, so watch this space.

Charles is doing really well with his numbers and letters. He is very keen to learn to read and tell the time. He has a tendency to sit down with a workbook and rush through it. So we are trying to do lots of other things that he is interested in so he doesn't just zoom through our pre school curriculum books!

I will pop another post up in a moment with our plans for this month. :)

Emma