I'm not talking right now..

I've always had a lot to say. I've always been a communicator, I like to talk. My husband always says that he knows there is something wrong when I'm not talking.

I'm not talking right now. I just can't. I'm not texting you, I'm not messaging you on Facebook, and I am not calling anyone but my Dad.

I just can't.

My heart is broken, it's in millions of little pieces and I'm lying to you when I am saying I am doing ok, that I'm fine. That laughter, those smiles, all lies.

I was blessed by God to have my grandfather in my life. He was an angel, made of pure gold, and I honestly don't know how I will ever get along without him.

I picked up the phone today, and I nearly rang him. I wanted to ask him a question about growing carrots. I completely forgot he was dead.

He's dead. Actually gone from my life. I'll never hear him say I love you again. I'll never hear him chuckle, or say "cheerio" as he leaves, ever again.

It's breaking my heart.


So don't expect me to call, don't expect a text. I won't be emailing you or messaging you on Facebook.

But it doesn't mean I need you any less. I need you to talk to me, I need you to ask me to tell you about him, about our time together. Just because I can't get the words out on my own, doesn't mean you can't coax them out.

I miss my Grandad, but I am grateful he passed on his infinite knowledge to my Dad. He answered the carrot question. If I grow it them in 100% manure, they won't grow as well as in a mix of top soil and manure. Lol. :)