Sunday, 8 November 2015

Thanks for the memories; Barbara Joan Stubbs 27-11-27 - 8-11-15

I literally don't know what to say.

I've lost two grandparents in one year.

2015 sucks.

My maternal grandmother died in the night. She was suffering, with kidney and liver failure, and she was in pain.

I can't write a huge eulogy right now as my brain is just fried.

See you soon Nannie.
Love you always.

Emma x

Thursday, 13 August 2015

It still sucks.

I've made a point of not watching anything with people dying in since January. It just felt too raw to watch an actor portray something I was actually feeling when I was still hurting so deeply. I've been feeling mediocre for a while instead of feeling like I was falling apart so I figured I was probably fine.

We watched a film tonight where a guy was dying, and everyone got the chance to say goodbye. It turns out that shit is just still too raw. He's been gone nearly 7 months and that shit is still just too real. I still wake up and I don't realise he's gone, like I've spent the night in a world where he's still there to hear about my day, or to comment on how beautiful my daughter's red hair is. And then it hits me like a fucking freight train. Every single damn day. Then I hear my kids, and my husband, and the analgesia that is the joy of my life numbs my heartache.

Does it get easier? Will I wake up one day and not ache for him? Not wish his 90 years was longer? Will I ever not wish I had spent more time with him? Will I ever not regret that I didn't listen to my Dad 3 years ago, and spend more time with him?! Will I ever let go?

Does this shit ever stop hurting?

I guess not.

I bet it'll hurt forever and that's ok, because it shows how much I fucking love that man, and how much I miss him every single second of every single day.

I love you big guy, the robin to my batman.


Emma x

Saturday, 8 August 2015

Comeback Post

Drum roll please......

I'm BACK! 

I've had a long period of writer's block and I just haven't wanted to share all the little details of my life with all of you. 

I've been planning a comeback post for a while now, to show you what we've been doing recently and I've finally got it together. 

August is when all the school kids, and their parents are about. As home educators who like to go to popular places on a Wednesday lunchtime (in term time, this is a super quiet time to go to places like the park!) we aren't fans of the only month of the year where when we do this, we are surrounded by school children and I can't let Ellizabeth run around and try out her toddler skills, in case that 12 year old kid bashes into her and kills her. Gah! Roll on September! That being said, a dear friend pointed out that there are loads of super cool educational things on in August, and we get to use those too. 

Charles and I have been jumping in with our home school curriculum. We both wanted to get started during this month, when we hibernate a little, so we are ready for starting in September. 

Charles isn't due to start school until September 2016, but he doesn't need formally educating until the term after he terms 5 which is April 2017.  

We decided to home educate when he was identified as having a "Higher Learning Potential" which is just a posh way of saying he has a high IQ. None of our local schools have provision for a gifted and talented program until senior school so we've decided to home educated him for primary school, and let him decide what he wants to do for senior school. 

A few people have spoken about how this is a bad choice for Charles, they are wrong of course, Charles is writing his own name without help, learning to read, and learning to tell the time. He's 3.5 years old. he's over 18 months ahead in his learning. The schools have all said they don't have anything in place for a child who has the educational needs that Charles does. Ellizabeth is following suit with the same attributes, but learns differently and has different interests so it's all a new learning curve with her! She's interested in learning letters, numbers and colours right now, she loves watching her brother and copying what he says. "A" and "8, 9, 10!" are her favourites :) 

The children are socialising 2-3 times a week with children of their own ages, as well as other ages spanning from 0-12 years old. We do various activities, like Forest School, outdoor meet ups and sports. They also socialise daily with adults, which is just as important. 

Remember home education opposers that in life you don't spend your time with only people who were born 6 months either side of you. Education for us is about preparing for life, not the next exam. 

This is a decision we aren't going to be swayed on, and we appreciate the support we get, those of your who keep your opinions to yourselves and those of you who agree to disagree. I won't tell you lot how to raise your kids, as long as you don't tell me how to raise mine. I'm doing a great job, so there's really no need for negativity. *Puts own trumpet down again..* :D 

Here are some pictures of what we've been getting up to over the last week. We are currently learning and recognising numbers and letters, learning about Space, Ethiopia and practising life skills like cooking and sewing.

Monday, 25 May 2015

Blog Challenge Post 3!

3 Snacks or Drinks I'm Obsessed With!

1) Sweet chilli tortilla wraps with caramelised onion houmous! I literally cannot get enough of this. I could eat it every day, several times over. Ellizabeth could too! 

2) Fruit infused water. I love putting fruit in my big bottle of water to make it taste like fruity water. My body doesn't like fruit squash with aspartame in and I don't like to drink too much fruit juice. 

3) Hoisin crispy duck pancakes. I've been obsessed with this since I first tried it when I was 10 years old. Best food in the world. Give it to me daily, at every meal. Nom. 

What do you love to eat?! 

Just a shout out to my wonderful friend Louise, who gave birth to her beautiful daughter Kitty Ella this morning. Love you soul sister! 

Mama x

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Blog Challenge Post 2

Top 3 Funniest/Most Awkward Moments

1) Recently I tried to get on to the Facebook account of the pen name I used to blog and write when I was in sixth form. I accidentally put the wrong email address in and completely unknowingly hacked someone else's Facebook account....OOPS!

2) When I was almost due to give birth to Charles in 2011, my cat Kizzy brought me the sort of gift that only a cat child can bring, a dead pigeon. She started plucking it on my bedroom floor. I rang my husband at work and asked him "Hypothetically speaking, if our cat brought my a huge dead pigeon and started plucking it all over our bedroom floor, what would I need to do..." I've never heard him laugh so much in my entire life. 

3) When I told another mother at my son's preschool that we were home educating and she looked so disgusted she looked like she was going to be sick. I actually laughed out loud, right to her face. There was no denying that I was laughing at her face. I still chuckle at it now. 

What are you funniest moments? 

Mama x 

Letter for Grandad

Dear Grandad,
It's been four months since you left us. I still can't believe it. I still expect to hear your voice, to see your shoes by Dad's front door, to see your smile and your twinkly eyes.
I know you aren't ever very far away, I know you are always with me. It's not just my faith that tells me this. Everytime I see a robin I know you are visiting me. You always turn up when I am feeling at my worst, when I am missing you most.  When I had nightmares every night for weeks after you died, when I woke up sweating and crying, you came and visited me, sent me a beautiful dream and comforted me. You told me you were fine now, and that I had to get on with my life. It's been hard and for a while I just wanted to live for you. I managed to overcome it and start to move on.

Then recently I woke up crying, I had woken from such a vivid dream and I felt like you had just walked out the room. You visited me again, and told me that you did visit me as a robin, and you were always with me. You visited me every day, you watched us everyday, and you were with me always.

We miss you, Charles and I. You are still so loved, and still so missed. Charles and I talk about you almost everyday, about how special you were to us, and how much we love you. We are both still so sad, sometimes my sweet three year old son, our darling Charles, just stops and looks sad. A tear will fall down his cheek. I'll know what's wrong, of course I know, I'm his Mama. He'll say to me "I miss Grandad Seaside. I miss our Grandad. I'm still so sad about Grandad." I'll tell him how I know, and I understand because I miss our Grandad too, and I am still so sad about losing you Big Guy. You left a hole that no one will ever fill, but you left me with a lesson.
'Cherish the time you have left with the rest of your grandparents'

I am doing my best. I am trying hard. I love you, and I miss you. 

Yours always, 

Emma x

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Blog Challenge! Day 1!

To get us back in the swing of blogging again, I am attempting a blogger challenge.

12 Day Blog Challenge Day 1
Why do you blog? Tell us 5 random facts about yourself.

I started blogging about 6 years ago when I was at university. I was in an emotionally destructive relationship that was all consuming. I literally gave my life up, all my hobbies, all my friends. For some reason it seemed like it was worth it. I started blogging privately, it was essentially a creative writing piece where I wrote about the life I longed for, the life I wished I had. This after I got the hell out of said relationship and while my mental health was in tatters. In 2010 after a year of serious hard work to get myself back on track, a childhood friend and I realised that we'd been crazy for each other for quite some time, and 11 months later we got married, with our son, Charles following less than 3 months later. I was living the life I had longed for, all that time. I had a husband who was my best friend, who emotionally nurtured me and raised me up. I had a beautiful son who I quickly realised was the reason to keep going when my somewhat temperamental demons threatened my mental health again. I clawed my way back to a sound mind with lots of love and support and a bit of Prozac! 
Life has got in the way of blogging since I became a mother, I've been back to it on and off and always dreamed of it being a online baby book but it just hasn't happened like that. Especially since our daughter Ellizabeth joined us in 2014, there has literally been no time to sit and write. When I was unhappy, I wrote a lot. Now I'm happy, so I don't write so much. It's a bit sad really. 

I'm starting blogging again because I want to document my life, in a raw, real and honest way. We've chosen to parent our children in a certain way, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Sometimes, like tonight when it takes 1,5 hours for them both to fall asleep, I question myself and doubt myself. But tomorrow, I'll be reminded why natural parenting is the right thing for us, and why I love it so much. Parenting is a rollercoaster, it's up and down. It's not perfect, my mission in life is to be 'good enough'. 

Five Random Facts About Me!
  1. Before I started dating my husband, I had big plans to qualify as a nurse and travel round America. I wanted to nurse in every state. They have big tax breaks for UK trained nurses. I also planned to have a family through a sperm donor while I was out there. I even had names picked out, Barnaby Martin and Bryany-Rae. 
  2. I really want to adopt from Haiti. Ever since I was 15, I've felt a total calling to adopt internationally, ever time I see posts from an orphanage over there the call gets stronger. I don't know if God has this in His plan for our family. Currently adoptions from Haiti to the UK are banned (there was an earthquake in 2010, and everything, of course, went tits up!) and there no plans to recede this ban anytime soon. I am hoping that by the time I am 30, (lower age limit for Haitian adoptions) that the ban will have been lifted, and God's plan will be made clear. 
  3. I volunteered in Kenya when I was 17. I met a little girl called Manhawana (pronounced Men-How-Ah) and she changed my life. I knew from that moment that I was meant to be a adoptive mother, some day. 
  4. I've known my husband since I was 6 years old. Our families went to church together, and it was truly God's work how we ended up going to the same church, becoming friends and then falling in love. 
  5. My biggest ambition in life is to own a farm, and have the ability to be self sufficient. 

Mama x