It's been four months since you left us. I still can't believe it. I still expect to hear your voice, to see your shoes by Dad's front door, to see your smile and your twinkly eyes.
I know you aren't ever very far away, I know you are always with me. It's not just my faith that tells me this. Everytime I see a robin I know you are visiting me. You always turn up when I am feeling at my worst, when I am missing you most. When I had nightmares every night for weeks after you died, when I woke up sweating and crying, you came and visited me, sent me a beautiful dream and comforted me. You told me you were fine now, and that I had to get on with my life. It's been hard and for a while I just wanted to live for you. I managed to overcome it and start to move on.
Then recently I woke up crying, I had woken from such a vivid dream and I felt like you had just walked out the room. You visited me again, and told me that you did visit me as a robin, and you were always with me. You visited me every day, you watched us everyday, and you were with me always.
We miss you, Charles and I. You are still so loved, and still so missed. Charles and I talk about you almost everyday, about how special you were to us, and how much we love you. We are both still so sad, sometimes my sweet three year old son, our darling Charles, just stops and looks sad. A tear will fall down his cheek. I'll know what's wrong, of course I know, I'm his Mama. He'll say to me "I miss Grandad Seaside. I miss our Grandad. I'm still so sad about Grandad." I'll tell him how I know, and I understand because I miss our Grandad too, and I am still so sad about losing you Big Guy. You left a hole that no one will ever fill, but you left me with a lesson.
'Cherish the time you have left with the rest of your grandparents'
I am doing my best. I am trying hard. I love you, and I miss you.