I've made a point of not watching anything with people dying in since January. It just felt too raw to watch an actor portray something I was actually feeling when I was still hurting so deeply. I've been feeling mediocre for a while instead of feeling like I was falling apart so I figured I was probably fine.
We watched a film tonight where a guy was dying, and everyone got the chance to say goodbye. It turns out that shit is just still too raw. He's been gone nearly 7 months and that shit is still just too real. I still wake up and I don't realise he's gone, like I've spent the night in a world where he's still there to hear about my day, or to comment on how beautiful my daughter's red hair is. And then it hits me like a fucking freight train. Every single damn day. Then I hear my kids, and my husband, and the analgesia that is the joy of my life numbs my heartache.
Does it get easier? Will I wake up one day and not ache for him? Not wish his 90 years was longer? Will I ever not wish I had spent more time with him? Will I ever not regret that I didn't listen to my Dad 3 years ago, and spend more time with him?! Will I ever let go?
Does this shit ever stop hurting?
I guess not.
I bet it'll hurt forever and that's ok, because it shows how much I fucking love that man, and how much I miss him every single second of every single day.
I love you big guy, the robin to my batman.